A birth mom's story
For those of you who have been reading my blog and following along - some of this will be familiar as I spoke a little about it in my first blog. I was 24 when I found out I was pregnant. I would love to be able to say that we were in love and it was an accident, but at that point it my life my getting pregnant was just another mistake to add to my very long list. His life however, was not a mistake. God has a plan for him just like he has a plan for each of us. My car had died, and my life was unraveling. I had no money and was in a mess! You know, abuse changes you I don't know how else to say it. It makes you temporarily insane and it takes the healing power of God to make you whole again. I was out making my way in the world using the skill I knew best. I believe that the devil has a counterfeit life for you. Just like he has a counterfeit for everything else God has. And I was living the devil's will for my life truly believing that was all I was good for. Not a very pretty picture I will tell you but when I look back I see that this is where my true story of redemption started for me. I will tell you that getting pregnant wasn't the plan, but then again it wasn't a very good plan to start with. I knew God was there. But yet I asked him to be sure and He was. You see for some people He is way up in the sky but for me He has always been right there when I fall. And I had fallen. Quite far in fact. So I looked up and I asked what do I do now? And you know what? God wants to love us and make us better. He doesn't kick us when we are down. He doesn't sit up in heaven waiting to strike me when I mess up. He sees the daughter that He loves. You see my getting pregnant was His way of rescuing me. He knew my love of children, my love for the lost, the broken and the rejected would win over all of the battles I would face. I still know what He told me - to give my baby up for adoption. That was hard. I've always wanted a child. Someone who would love me for me.
It didn't take long for me to get back home. Nobody really knew what Erica and I were doing in Atlanta. Thank God for my sister Lorena! I don't even remember when I told her I was pregnant. But she told mom and they sent me a plane ticket and I moved back in with my mom. Not very easy to do - but none of the next 9 months was going to be easy. Trust me when I tell you that everyone told me the easy way out. I stopped counting the number of people who told me how to take care of my problem. People even offered to pay for me to get rid of my "problem". But it wasn't ever a problem for me. It was a life. A life I created and was now responsible for one way or another. I was told once that I was selfish for giving my child up for adoption that I should have just had an abortion instead of being a problem for everyone. I can tell you several times when I knew the Lord was telling me to do one thing and I would do another. This was not going to be one of those times. And God was faithful to me. He gave me a job to work while I was pregnant. He introduced me to a place to find parents for the baby. I met them when I was 9 weeks pregnant. I prayed the night before I went to the agency and I said, "God I want to know for sure who you have for his parents. I don't want to be confused at all. I want to know." And I did know exactly! And I love them to this day. God has given me a friendship with them and people that I know would do anything for me if I needed them to. Another story for another day.
The Lord showed me in a dream it was to be a boy. I already had his name picked out - Daniel because God was rescuing me from the lion's den. God used some lovely women who will always be dear to me to pray for me and with me. I joined the women's prayer group and God used those women to bring healing to my soul. That is when I got baptized in the Holy Spirit and found my prayer language. I know that if I had stayed in the life I was living that I probably wouldn't be alive today. My getting pregnant ultimately saved my life. Will I ever vote for abortion? Not on your life! I don't care about the circumstance. I know that God can take anything broken and fix it if you give it to him. I have been raped and had the rape ended up with a child I would still give that child life for it was not his or her fault. God will bring good out of life's tragedies if we let Him. I know that sounds harsh but I will tell you passionately that if you sweep under the rug all of the things that hurt you will continue to trip over them the rest of your life until you deal with them.
I dealt with giving him up the entire pregnancy. Wanting so badly to change my mind and knowing I had nothing to give him. I wanted him to have everything I couldn't give him. Two parents, a stable home, financial security and a good life. I held him in my arms and kept him in my room all night. It was all I had and I wanted every moment of it. His parents were so kind to me - knowing their hearts were rejoicing at finally having a child while mine was breaking giving mine away. Again, God bless my sister, she protected me when it was time to go and got me out of the hospital. She took me to the movies when I was postpartum and sad. And God held me when I wept. For so many nights I wept for the loss of my child. But one day it didn't hurt as bad. And one day I didn't cry.
It still blesses me when he calls today and I see him on Facebook. He came to visit for a weekend and I was so nervous. He has confidence I didn't have and he is stubborn to a fault. He is so much like me it makes me pray. I have never in all these years regretted my decision. It wasn't an easy one but I can look back and say it was the right one.
Thanks for listening.
It didn't take long for me to get back home. Nobody really knew what Erica and I were doing in Atlanta. Thank God for my sister Lorena! I don't even remember when I told her I was pregnant. But she told mom and they sent me a plane ticket and I moved back in with my mom. Not very easy to do - but none of the next 9 months was going to be easy. Trust me when I tell you that everyone told me the easy way out. I stopped counting the number of people who told me how to take care of my problem. People even offered to pay for me to get rid of my "problem". But it wasn't ever a problem for me. It was a life. A life I created and was now responsible for one way or another. I was told once that I was selfish for giving my child up for adoption that I should have just had an abortion instead of being a problem for everyone. I can tell you several times when I knew the Lord was telling me to do one thing and I would do another. This was not going to be one of those times. And God was faithful to me. He gave me a job to work while I was pregnant. He introduced me to a place to find parents for the baby. I met them when I was 9 weeks pregnant. I prayed the night before I went to the agency and I said, "God I want to know for sure who you have for his parents. I don't want to be confused at all. I want to know." And I did know exactly! And I love them to this day. God has given me a friendship with them and people that I know would do anything for me if I needed them to. Another story for another day.
The Lord showed me in a dream it was to be a boy. I already had his name picked out - Daniel because God was rescuing me from the lion's den. God used some lovely women who will always be dear to me to pray for me and with me. I joined the women's prayer group and God used those women to bring healing to my soul. That is when I got baptized in the Holy Spirit and found my prayer language. I know that if I had stayed in the life I was living that I probably wouldn't be alive today. My getting pregnant ultimately saved my life. Will I ever vote for abortion? Not on your life! I don't care about the circumstance. I know that God can take anything broken and fix it if you give it to him. I have been raped and had the rape ended up with a child I would still give that child life for it was not his or her fault. God will bring good out of life's tragedies if we let Him. I know that sounds harsh but I will tell you passionately that if you sweep under the rug all of the things that hurt you will continue to trip over them the rest of your life until you deal with them.
I dealt with giving him up the entire pregnancy. Wanting so badly to change my mind and knowing I had nothing to give him. I wanted him to have everything I couldn't give him. Two parents, a stable home, financial security and a good life. I held him in my arms and kept him in my room all night. It was all I had and I wanted every moment of it. His parents were so kind to me - knowing their hearts were rejoicing at finally having a child while mine was breaking giving mine away. Again, God bless my sister, she protected me when it was time to go and got me out of the hospital. She took me to the movies when I was postpartum and sad. And God held me when I wept. For so many nights I wept for the loss of my child. But one day it didn't hurt as bad. And one day I didn't cry.
It still blesses me when he calls today and I see him on Facebook. He came to visit for a weekend and I was so nervous. He has confidence I didn't have and he is stubborn to a fault. He is so much like me it makes me pray. I have never in all these years regretted my decision. It wasn't an easy one but I can look back and say it was the right one.
Thanks for listening.
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